HELP, I AM AGING!!!!!!

I havent got much to say, just this tiny, almost insignificant and silly issue that i have been thinking about. thats why the title is silly too.

Come April 14th, I will be a year older, specifically, i will be 27 (there, i said it). so whats the ish abi? well........ lets just put it simply, 27 sounds (and feels) quite old! i mean, i feel old! 27 is scaringly close to 30! the BIG 30!!!! in the next 3 years i will be 30!

What happened? suddenly am 27. a few years back, i used to think 27 was so far away and that by then i would have been a lot of things, on top of my list is that i would be Mrs. Omotee Somebody, i would be a big time young lawyer making plenty waves and of cos, plenty cash. i thot by now i would have figured a lot of things out, but alas, that age has come and Nos 1, 2 and 3 on my list are still at best, dreams!

No. 1 is especially difficult, moreso now that it seems all the men i meet these days are either married, stupid, extremely short, already hooked (and want u as a side plate), confused and just generally not it. the marriageable ones just dont seem to exist anymore! does anyone feel me?!

Dont get me wrong, i am grateful to God, u cant even complain about this things if u were very ill or better still, dead. i am thankful for life and i aint doing so badly, really.

But suddenly theres so many things i cant do anymore, i just feel so old. for the first time in my plenty years am not so so excited about my birthday, i am usually EXTREMELY excited about my birthdays, my phone rings every second, am all smiley through out the day (my chic hurts like mad), i get to eat lots of cake without guilt (hey, its my birthday now), i am entitled to N1500 credit from my Pop (funny man), i always look very very beautiful (or so i like to believe) and i am just generally on top of the world!

But right at this moment, the plans i have for my birthday are not it.

for one, i hope to miraculously get a break that day, which i already know wont happen except i fall very ill, ordinary illness doesnt get u a day off in my office, it must be obvious that u r about to die! i hope to lie down all day in bed, switch off my phones, eat a big chocolate cake with tea or something and watch movies or listen to good music and avoid all the drama and frenzy.

I also know that its all a dream, cos i will go to work, i dare not switch off my phone, i will even go to church, i will have a permanent smile plastered on my face and act nice and excited. i will do things that are absolutely different from my dream 27th birthday.

I do hope before then i would have shaken these feelings off, i usually feel this way (worried, cranky, mushy-mushy etc) when am ovulating and i think unlike normal girls, i ovulate 15 days or so. i dont even know how to calculate the dang thing, my doctor is so fed up. i just never know.

this is my latest ish, just wanted to share it with u.

PS

i will create a list of things i want for my birthday, at least that will cheer me up. pls start preparing ur mind and saving of cos. thank ya!

PSS

saw MF yesterday, wanted to slice his 4 tyres or smash his windscreen, u know, just for the fun of it. but then, not even MF is worth so much energy. i finally realised then how fast it is to get over pple when u set ur mind to do it.

Great Discovery

Just wanted to do a small post to lay the issue of MF to rest. Its not a very nice story, but i will do it all the same:

MF got married in December 2008. No, i did not know about it until last sunday and no, MF did not tell me about it. so a very "nice anonymous caller" called me to give me the info. Yes, i was shocked out of my brain, MF cant be that real.

anonymous caller gladly called again to let me know where to find the wedding pictures. very beautiful.

How do i feel? Hmm, thats a tough one but i will described it in a few words: i was numb, hurt, dumbfounded, stupefied, hurt. yeah, hurt.

MF found out about my blog somehow and read everything so he knew the truth about himself. So i know he will read this post too.

I am hurt and drained but gladly, am back on my feet. I am a great believer in "shit happens, get over it". so, am trying.

But i tell u this: it does hurt, hurt like crazy.

Lets see it as a fresh 09 just starting.

Hate Mail/Post

The holiday has been most boring, gradually ending sha and am so glad to get back to normal life, i.e, work, not like anything new coming up.

called MF today to say happy birthday, sent him a lovely text too.
just dis afternoon, MF called, or so it seemed. picked it, 'hello?' no response. then it got interesting.......

MF and some girl is gisting, chatting away happily or so, from all i could hear. heard her name... a chic MF told me nothing was up anymo (LG can hear u ask if i believed it), heard stuff i shouldnt have listened to, shouldnt have heard. i coulda cut da fone when i knew the call was either a mistake or..... woreva
But i didnt end the call, listened, got pissed, angry, jealous too i guess, i mean, i dont know jo. i just know i was pissed. but i am glad i did. reality either creeps on u or dawns suddenly and heavily on u, so figure.........

so i called MF, said hi, asked if the call was a mistake, started saying stuff like it was deliberate, he wanted to say hi but i didnt talk, was watching soccer........ crap, crap, crap! obviously lying and i just hated him at that point. told him it couldnt have been cos he couldnt have wanted me to hear all i heard.
some mins lera, he called and like 'if u knew the call was a mistake, why didnt u just end the call for me?'
am like 'i wanted to, until the conv started getting interesting, am glad i heard what i heard anyway'.
'and what did u hear?' Deut. 29 v 29
'try to remember what u really truly was doing' obviously not soccer like u claimed.
'ok bye'. click.

am pissed pissed pissed!!!!!!!!!
ok, shit happens, one of those crap that happen in life. learnt my lesson. there is more to life than MF! its a done and bad deal. borrowing afro's cliche : TOTAL FUCKERY.
i feel stupid and silly, dunno why.
its a phase jo.

MF can frigging take a frigging bow now!!!!!!!

happy independence guys. may we truly be liberated from whatever issues holding us, be it MF like issues, especially MF like issues!

Jacob i love, Esau i hate

never mind the title, if i dont lose u, u just might see the reason for the title.....

sometimes i wish life and choices werent so hard, thats not new, we all do. but right now, i really really do wish i could just have this...

i keep telling people and myself i dont have a boyfriend, its partly true and partly....not very true. i have (had) MF.

MF and i met in Jos in the courtroom thru an old school mate. MF is taaaaaaaaaalllllllll, (of cos i fell for the height first), keeps a lil' afro, quiet, fun to be with, very very brilliant and intelligent, athletic, friendly in his own quiet way and one of the most annoying and insensitive men (so it seems) i have ever met. sometimes its as if MF was created for a sole purpose: to annoy the living day out of me! we can so fight, we can so argue, we can so gist and ........... imagine the other fun things we do. with time, MF was the only guy i was "seeing", literarily and literaly (woreva, spot the difference).



MF had (still has, annoyingly so) the power to melt me. whenever we had one of our plenty squabbles, he will just show up mid-day in my office, without calling, and i see him, i just MELT. and then he could go further by calling me by my 'oriki' and i just MELLTTTTTTTT!
i used to think i couldnt stand poems, until MF wrote me 2 beautiful poems.
we had all that, the sparks, chemistry, all that and we had so much fun together.

so we were rolling together, faffing around, gradually became an item which i denied every time 'we were just friends'. at work all my colleagues knew MF. theres my friend at work, Madam, she could detect days i had gone 'kwanagidaing' at MF's. i was glowing she said. it was all fun until of cos, the defining moment came..........

MF sort of talked the talked and then we had to face the one big issue:
religion.

before u hang me, i gotta tell u i am one of those people that feel u must have the same spiritual understanding. we could have all the sparks et al, but we would be operating at 2 very different frequencies, and it was still gonna cause issues.

MF of cos didnt think it was issue enuff, always lunched into the intellectual arguments of free thinking, belief in God, etc. MF never really opened up to me about his beliefs, which till today is so annoying........

so i made up my mind, things couldnt go on this way. there had to be a decision. a tough one but it still had to be made. we broke up and made up like a million times. well, actually, i was the one breaking up.
so i started looking for a serious distraction, someone or something so strong that will make me finally give MF up. either i did that or i wait for MF to serve me his wedding IV someday soon.

along came Mr. Nice........

i have known oga nice for about 3 yrs now. very nice man. so nice its so annoying. he is always so ready to please me, be the nice guy, complement every frigging thing i do, (if i mess sef, i sure say the guy go say the mess smells good), ready to do my bidding etc. just one basic issue with oga nice..
i do not like him.

funny as it may sound, i just cannot get to like this guy. he just never seems to get it right with me. i have never even hugged this guy, cant do it and for me, thats a bad sign. some of my friends think i should just try and like this guy, give him a chance, he is nice and knows what exactly he wants which is a good thing. of cos na old guy, he suppose know wetin he want.
so, kid bro is around, fell ill and oga nice just played his part well: he was very very nice. kid bro likes him already, which is a plus, kid bro never likes any of my guys. kiddy asked me what exactly my problem is etc..... why are lots of people on oga nice's side anyway?
by the way, he is short which isnt a big plus and............ not just it for me! is that such a bad thing?

Jacob i love.........
MF is a Jacob kinda (pls ignore the love part). Jacob annoys me and gets away with it. he tolerates my excesses, we just.........flow. i just like him.

Esau i hate........
Mr. NIce is Esau tho i dont hate him. i dont think i dislike him. i just dont like or feel him and dont think it can happen. it didnt happen for 2 yrs i dont know if it can now. whenever the guy attempts to hug or kiss me i flinch and i dont do much in hiding it. he even mentioned it that it embarrasses him.... woreva. dunno.

so right now, am confused, lonely and missing MF so bad, want to see him and yell at him and hug him and kiss him mindless.

gotta stop rambling. i know this is mindless