Thursday, March 14, 2013

No, this isn't God's idea or doing...

Something is bugging me. Hell, lots of things are bugging me, but this just...... Unsettles me. And it's not even my problem. But it's eating me up.

I'm friends with an older lady. She's 40. Good xtian and a lawyer. 4 kids. Hubby is also a lawyer and pastor. 
Recently I learnt from a friend we had in common that her hubby abuses her. This isn't slapping you around kind of abuse. I'm talking about "hit me so hard it looks like I fought with a thug" kind of hitting. They've been married for 15 yrs and its been like that for a while. Don't know precisely when it started. 
Grade 2 of the abuse is that she has no access to her salary account. Yes u read it right. He holds onto her ATM and checks the balance regularly to see if she's spent out of it. He decides what they use her salary for! At age 40. 
He once threatened her that he'll kill her and nothing will happen. He actually asked her if she herd about the Skye bank lady that her husband killed her. 
Oh did I mention he's a pastor? Yes he is. He checks her up ALL the time at work. I just felt he was always in the area as he's also a lawyer. But he just checks to know who she talks to and where she goes.

I'm not sure I really blame the man. I detest him but don't blame him. I wonder why in the world she condones it! She never fights back. She can't report him to anyone cos that won't be respectful to him. And hear this, she's trying to be the wife that God instructs every woman to be. I didn't see anything that looks or sounds like allow ur husband to kill u in the famous Proverbs 31. 

Unfortunately I can't talk to her directly cos she didn't tell me, she told the friend we have in common all these. She just told me out of frustration. I wish I didn't hear any of it cos every time I see her my her goes out to her and I want to slap her at the same time. 
Today he hit her. He said asides her salary she brings nothing to the table.
After sweeping the whole house one day, he packed back the diets, littered the house and locked she and the children up. Her offence is that she didn't suggest that they buy his father a birthday gift. 
I'm convinced he's not mentally balanced.

I'm more pissed at the fact that she sees no solution to all these. That she covers his bull shit up. She'd rather pretend he's a good man. Cos she believes this is what God means by being submissive.
Somehow I just fail to see God as this person she describes. 

There's help. At least thats my belief. 
Its going to be tough but she can seek help secretly and run away with her children one day. Hell, expose him in the church. He shouldnt pastor anyone! But I found out women like this never seek help. They either stay there forever 
or snap one day and do something totally crazy and go to jail. 

I'm just sad sad sad. 

Her friend keeps saying no way out. Is that true? Pls do u have a solution to this? 


Monuga said...

Hmnn, is this for real or its some tale from African Movie Magic say the husband is a pastor beats my imagination and the woman is a good xtain and a lawyer that supposedly should know her rights...I don't want to believe the story totally 'cos it does not emante from your friend facing the challenges herself. Violence against women is a no no for me and no matter the good reason behind it, it can never be justified. This woman is in a serious dilema and I pray she realises fast and do something to safe her life and that of her kids...I pray she comes out to tell u herself so u can advise her appropriately. On a second thot, I don't think its ordinary o, perhaps she's been hypnotised, cos no sane woman would stay in abusive marriage moreso that she's not dependent on him financially. I think there's more to it than meet d eye. However, if she's trying to be a virtous woman described in proverbs 31, she has definitely missed it as I see no virtous woman in all u've described about her. She's simply foolish. Have u ever asked her about her dented face if yes, what was her response to it. My dear, don't disturb your head about her issue at all, d best u can do for her is to pray that God should open her eyes to see d dilema she's in and make d necessary moves. Make I rest for ds woman matter abegi...

Anonymous said...

Well this story saddens me, but as someone who has friends who counsel people, you have no idea how women who are abused work. this also saddens me because I don't sense a ton of sympathy for this woman, nor do I sense that you plan on doing one thing to help except for share her story so more people can judge.

Yes she may appear foolish and weak but you know what... Abusers have a wonderful way of getting into a woman’s head. Just like your mom can influence you a certain way, some women who are abused give their men so much power over them mentally and never know how to take it back. Why do you think it's so hard to get abused women out of those situations? You have to also take a step back and realize that you know nothing about this woman and how she grew up. You don't know if her mom was abused...and this is the norm for her. You have no idea what she has been through to get to that point. At no point she should be at fault, two this society is to "forgiving" of men who abuse. Regardless if she is letting him so this he shouldn't be doing period. It's not his place to have that much control over her, it's not his place to step in on her finances, its certainly not his place to abuse her either. Regardless if he has the power to scare her he shouldn't be doing it period.

If it were that easy to leave there wouldn't be a 101 women’s shelters out here who have to actually plan a woman’s escape from her abusive spouse. It's easier said than done.

When it comes to the religious aspect of it. This is nothing new to me, which is why I'm a firm believer that Christians (some) will throw God into the mix all the time to justify their life decisions. Praying for her won't help, but doing something will, reaching out to her, and seeing how you can be of some assistance should be the main goal. If your water bill was due, would you simple but the bill in the bible and pray on it? Or would you do something about it, like find the money, or make a call to work out a payment plan? Just praying does nothing. If it's something you don't want to take on because you think it's too much then give her the number to an abuse hotline, slip it on her desk while she is gone, or something of that nature.

Some people are so blinded by false ideals that "man" has made up from religion and go with it because someone went to college and said "this is what the bible means to me" and "this is what I think god means by this and that" the next thing you know you have an entire congregation following some idiots ideals who may not be fit to be a pastor or lead a flock in the first place. I hope in the end something is done to at least make her aware of the fact that she needs to get help. Confronting abused victims is a very touchy matter and should be approached with delicate actions.

Also it's insanely hard to read this blog when you have so many misspellings.

Omotee! said...

Monuga, its true. Believe me. That's why am so mad at her.

Dear Anonymous,
I took the liberty of going over the post again and found all of 2 errors. Its amazing u got the main gist in spite of the "plenty errors".

U have taken time to criticize and insult yet u refused to proffer a solution, which is the main idea.

Won't waste time replying u.

Wahala said...

See trouble oh...i quickly scanned through anon's LONG post to see if the person actually offered any suggestions as to how you can help. Talk about pot calling kettle names...mschew.

Stories like the one you have up there blow my mind so i really don't have much to say without sounding critical even tho i really do feel sorry for her and her situation...can you imagine how those kids are being shaped by all that goes on there?? chei!! And he's supposedly a pastor?? Ki olorun ku suru.

My dear, as cliche as this is and sounds...all you can do is pray the scales fall off her eyes.

Chacha Wabara said...

Scary though..
But I have to say that your friend is now emotionally unbalanced. She's come to believe that she deserves the treatment and nothing anyone will and can do would make her change her situation. If you advice her, be rest assured that when she and her hubby are 'sweet' on each other, she'd 'report' you to him..
It's only God's intervention that will help or a tragedy or loss that would open her 'blind' eyes and numb brain..
Jare how are you?
Hope you are doing good?
I'm using 'style' 'style' to do small blog rounds.. lol.. Hug my son for me and take care..

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