Friday, March 26, 2010

From Happily Married to DIVORCED

I know am not allowed to talk about my job, like our cases, but then am not their lawyer so technically, the lawyer/client priviledge isnt my biz now.

so its about a divorce case, i really do feel bad seeing divorce cases. makes me wonder why 2 people who loved themselves enough to tied the knot just throw it all away at some point, its especially bad when they are a young couple.

this lady came in heavily pregnant last december when she just filed the suit. she's got a kid for dude before, so she wants a divorce and naturally, her papers contain all the nasty things he's done to her and how he kicked her out, pregnancy et al.
dude gets a lawyer too and he also talked about how irresponsible she is, how she's got a controlling mother who is equally mannerless and a sister who leads a really wayward life.

one of his complaints is that he told the girl before they married that she had to quit her job at the bank. dude happens to be a business man who doesnt have much education. he says the mother-in-law keeps encouraging her to continue the job at the bank against his wishes and their agreement. etc. wish u could read the papers yourselves and see just how messy things can get between couples.
i wish i could call them to order and think of their 2 babies before doing this but who am i to say anything? i am a single girl, dont think i know that much about how marriage works, it still amazes me.

all these just got me thinking: if they had these much problems and serious issues, how da hell did they end up getting married and knocking themselves up to result to 2 kids?!
the girl is so pretty and young and u could see she really looks frustrated, she was crying the first time she came to court when her stupid lawyer was messing up her case and she was trying to get custody of their first kid, pending the divorce suit itself though. i couldnt help looking at her and pitying her.

i kept wondering what they were saying and doing while they were courting, didnt they resolve these obvious serious issues? if she truly agreed to quit her work at the bank why is she backing out on it? and is dude having these issues cos he is suddenly intimidated of her success and how much money she could make out of it?

when 2 people say they love each other so much and agree to mix oil and water (marry), why cant they settle whatever issues come their way? of cos there are lots of examples around us of how bad marriages can end up.
on a personal note, my parents tho not divorced dont have a good marriage, in fact, in ways that matter, they are divorced but still living together. they hardly talk and dont even care enough to fight anymore. this has been on for about ......... 20 years? sure it got worse over the years but its always been rocky. i've intervened and sort of lost hope on them, i think i just wanna ask my pop one day: if my mom dies one day, will he start crying and give speeches about how much he loved her? i think am gonna shut him up or just burst out laughing, that would be a joke.
did they love each other at all?

while i was in secondary school, i had a friend whose parents too had problems, were not divorced but theirs was equally terrible. they are separated. they came separately to visit her one day and didnt as much as say hello to each other, after 5 kids! how on earth did they get there?

i am not married so i dont know how to answer these questions. it makes me wonder when i do get married:
will we wake up one day and hate each other so much we want to get divorced?
will we have issues so bad i wouldnt care what happens to him and vice versa?
what if we have problems and am willing to sort it out and one day he just decides, no, he doesnt want to settle it, he just wants a divorce, what will i do?
do i have the ability to stay married forever?

am going to be 28 next month so naturally, everyone (including me) expects that i should be married or at least, be preparing serious towards it.
with all these things, what i have seen personally, i'm just scared of the idea of marriage when i think about the nitty gritty of it.
dont get me wrong, i do want to marry. i want to have a companion and be someone's help-meet. i want to have beautiful kids that i can train up one day. i want to have my family. the idea of me getting married appeals to me and its not just about the marriage ceremony.

but in spite of all these, i am scared of marriage. its really scary. there's not guarantee that this is how my marriage will turn out, that i will be forever happy with my husband. no certainties, just hopes and wishes and faith that it will turn out well. thats it. looks like a thin thread.

i and Bubbly had a big row on tuesday and we settled it all yesterday. it was a small issue that blew up into something else cos normally, we dont go to sleep without talking about whatever's bothering us, thats the rule. and somewhere in my mind yesterday before we settled it, i just got tired and thot i'd just quit.
i dont know why and how my mind entertained that thot cos i really love Bubbly. he actually said he thinks deep down i am scared of commitment. sure i argued that no, i dont. but maybe i do?
its all so scary. will i just easily give up on my marriage when problems come, cos i know they will come?

am i the only 28 year old female thinking this way?

these folks, are the thots in my mind this friday morning and i thot to share it with the one people who'd listen. getting pretty personal eh?

for those of u who have braved it and married (mrs. sydelle, enkay), i salute ur courage and pray that u'll never ever get divorced, no matter what.
for those of u who havent, pray u find the courage. i heard (and have also seen) that it does work out and marriage is truly a beautiful thing.

of course i'd love to hear ur thots.

have a great weekend y'all!


17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not to worry you are definately not alone, am 30 and still have the same fears, especially as you see friends whom you've helped celebrate their wedding and under a year or two they are already living separate lives - Its scary.

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rethots said...

....well, everyone has opinions on marriage before they 'walk' the aisle. However, more often than not, these change afterwards.

Though yet to 'walk' my simple submission is this, marriage is a choice (conscious descision to 'walk' the rest of the journey with the other) so, we simply have to continually, consistently and CONSCIOUSLY choose to make our marriage work, despite the odds.

Andrea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrea said...

My hubby and I had lots of discussion about the future before we got married. I have said this before, marriage is not guarantee. You get out, what you put in. It takes lots of communication and compromize. Its help to know the kind of person you are marrying before you say I do.There cant be two captains in one ship.

Nneka A said...

I found your post honest and refreshing. I think sometimes, we ignore red flags that arise in our relationships because we are in 'love' with our partners and convince ourselves that certain character traits are 'not so bad' and we can live with them underestimating the fact that marriage tends to magnify stuff, both good and bad. Some people want to be married for the sake of being married, some people don't understand what commitment means. Some people start out strong but marriage is like a field that must be tended and nurtured else it becomes a wilderness, full of weeds and some would rather go and start over in some other field than take the time to nurture theirs back to life.
I'm single so I'm not sure I'm qualified to give marital advice but I believe in communication, there should always be room for saying what needs to be said, when it needs to be said. There are beautiful marriages all around but it takes effort.

Mamuje said...

Well it is well..when our turn reach we will weather the storm.

Fragilelooks said...

stil my gr8st fear. Marriage is stil a mystery to me. I pray i overcme dat fear b4 25 o.

Myne Whitman said...

Marriage is one thing that may never make sense. I don't try to get answers to those questions now, I just try to work at what we have. And it does take commitment and lots of love. I'm glad you and Bubbly got over your issues. It's best to thrash them out now, with no ties. Things become more hairy when you're in.

have a good weekend dear.

Nice Anon said...

Marriage is just like anything in life. There are no guarantees but you go through it and take it each day as it comes. Staying committed to making it work goes a long way. BUT at the end of the day everyone's marriage isn't going to work which is sad but true. Unmarried folks like us can look on from the outside and pray that when we finally take the leap; that we have the strength and courage to keep at it.

2cute4u said...

And no you're not the only 28year old thinking this way.. Feeling withdrawn about this huge thing called marriage..Seeing divorces flying around and disrespect and over trivial matters and you wonder why you should bother.Life sucks and when it does it feels like the end of the world.I beg you not to allow things that you see around you define your happiness.just learn from it.If you're commitment shy,Just take time to consider what you really want.prayers too will help..
I'm a lawyer too.I never touch divorce cases,..I always reject it.. My colleagues do that part.I think as a single lady,for now till you define your happiness and things like that stop bothering you,don't(oh yeah, you mentioned its not your case)But in the future.
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Omotee! said...

hmmm, at least am not crazy, ol. marriage does seem scary.
guess i'll overcome my fears at some point and brave it. i think communication like most of you have rightly said is the most important thing.

hmmmmm.......

sosexy said...

You not the only one with questions and doubts.Worries, even but I'd think you take each step as it comes.. Just Live life to the fullest so you don't look back and regret the inhibitions that constrained you from loving or living to the fullest.First here,and I gotta say I love your blog!Be back.

Fabulo-la said...

Very good question.
But marriage is not a 'risk' that I will like to take any time soon.

Omotee! said...

sosexy, thanx for stopping by, will see urs right away.

fabulola, def not a risk to rush into, guess u just have to figure out when the right time and person is.

doll said...

wow..i love this post..so honest and ...

Anyways i believe marriage is not a bed of roses..it has its own issues....so it should be entered into on a leveled ground e.g. educated marry educated, xtian marry xtian..etc and any issues that are issues during will not disappear because one is married.issues such as disagreement over finances, drinking habits, partying, womanizing, manizing

unfortunately, people always overlook this issues and hope the other party will change or that they will be more accommodating and stuff..

The summary of this long epistle is that this couples were never happily married in the first place

Anonymous said...

Good post. Marriage is all about finding what works for both of u n doing it. It takes an unbelievable amount of work n commitment. pls n pls dont try n follow advice of our parents/grandparents cos wen u look at most of dem, our mothers stayed out of tolerance so deir children wont suffer rather than out of love, understandin or commitment. Just find d levels dat work for u. Marriage is sweet but hardest work ever. If u can do d hard part u will b smilin most times. btw, m married.