Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Ex Files (Part II)

I'll just spill it out.

When it comes to exes, i (and this is strictly my opinion) believe friendship with exes are a no no. The only situations i think it could be permissible is when both parties have moved on in every definition of that phrase:
1. u r not hung up, crying and wishing he/she would come back;
2. u r not refusing to date someone cos u keep comparing them to ur ex;
3. u r not busy plotting (either physically or mentally) evil things that u wish would happen to ur ex;
4. u r not under some delusion that you are just friends while you make sure you have everything u used to have with him while u were still a couple

You have moved on when u have faced reality and picked up pieces of your life with a strong determination to let life go on in spite of the little or big hitches it brings ur way, its called life afterall.
Sure break ups occur in different forms, some more hurtful and hard to get over than the other. Also, every individual's strength is unique, some get over things fast and some dont.
But there's always the same conclusion: you do have to move on. A deliberate refusal to accept status quo is just unrealistic and somewhat silly.
Anyway, all these is just Omotee's opinion.

I'm not sure what word to use in describing what i feel about this ex issue: anger, concern, pity, beefs .... i have no idea. i just know it pisses me off sometimes sha.

Bubbly has this Ex and their "friendship" gives me concern. First i must tell u that i trust Bubbly to a reasonable extent, i love him like crazy and i trust him. however, i dont know how to pretend that some issues dont exist.
Bubbly was dating this girl and they broke off before we started dating. They were very close friends before they started dating and it went on for about 2 years or so.
Anyway, for some reasons they broke up, they both werent operating on the same frequency anymore plus she wanted to settle abroad and he wanted to come home and settle. etc

So they broke up. He moved on (i really really wanna believe). She has found it hard to move on even after he told her he has someone else etc She keeps calling to ask for his advice on EVERYTHING. what to do with her career, what to do when her mum annoys her, whether to date some guy who's been asking her out for a while, how to go about her NYSC, what business should she go into. etc EVERYTHING! I dont know what other stuff they discuss - maybe he wont tell me cos he knows how i feel about it.
And oh, she is back in Nigeria cos she was hoping he would change his mind.

When i discovered this (by going thru his fone, not snooping tho, scold me later), i asked Bubbly and he just felt it was ok for them to still be friends, he wants to "let her down gently" kind of thing. i was like: WTH?!?!
he still has some soft spot for her (i think i should have all the soft spots!) so he finds it hard to turn her away. at some point they were talking a lot during those mid night calls. i decided not to be cool about it and just said everything i felt about it: ITS NOT HAPPENING DUDE!

Why should your ex boyfriend who has left you and has moved on with someone else be ur next best friend and confidante? he keeps saying she finds it hard to get to trust people and make friends and she isnt close to her sisters and mother etc.

Truth is i dont hate the girl and i really wish i was her friend, it would have been a lot easier for me to drum some sense into her, she needs tough love not "soft landing".

Bubbly has promised me that nothing funny is ever going to happen but this isnt safe or wise for either of them, i am the only one for him etc. but i just dont feel comfortable or is this me being paranoid?

I made my feelings known, we argued over it a coupla times and i hate it when i complain or do anything that resembles nagging. i pride myself as someone who has it together (i pull everything about me together). i told him i was going to keep off it but if i smell a rat - there'll be trouble.
He has begged me to just let him handle things (its not like i will call her or anything) and i want to trust his judgment but just yesterday, i found out that they havent had the "talk" cos he is busy trying to help her register a business name for her; meaning: they have discussed and have come to a conclusion.
My ex whom i really loved and wished things would happen btw us but has moved on with someone he is planning to wed very soon is not going to be the only lawyer or friend who can see me thru every issue i have.

Ok. Quite a rant. I need ur undiluted and uncensored view on this.


Qmoney said...

Babe,i no gree oh........d problem i have with miss ex is that she has "fixed" one of major d problem they had&wants him back so she'll be doing all she can including calling him to say her toe is itching in d middle of d nite:):)..bubbly on d oda hand might now start comparing the both of u in his mind cos of d proximity
Oh please,gimme a break..we all find it hard to trust people,dat's not a good enuf excuse,u are been realistic not paranoid,let no one deceive u about security issues too,this situation is real not in ur head
Now we have identified the challenge,my suggestion for a solution is u&bubbly should sit down&set a timeline,don't make it look like an ultimatum oh....just a timeline u both agree one after which he can no longer remain her confidante abi watever name they have given their "relationship".....
Ps:&who said u can't snoop?of course u can...info wont come&meet u in ur sleep:)
All d best babes

LG said...

lol@info wont come n meet u in ur sleep! qmoney u harsh o :) but dearie, take it easy n talk things ova with 'bubbly; so how far with d wedding dress???

Anonymous said...

I agree. This is very dangerous. A committed man (or woman) should not put themselves in situations that could potentially lead to trouble. We're all human and even if we have the best of intentions, it is possible that in a weak moment, we can make a mistake that will cost us. Bubbly needs to keep his distance from his needy ex. Period.

sweetandsensible said...

hmmmmmm, i personally think you should state your case and let it be, let him know in a clam way that you are very upset by the issue, he should put himself in you shoes yada yada yada and pray, then dont lose any sleep over it......ive been very good friends with an ex for years.......he used to tell me a lot of stuff but there was never anything, his girlfriend even became like pretty good friends with me so it might not be all bad though she sounds kinda excessive.

Myne Whitman said...

Oh I see what you mean about the ex on facebook connection topic over on mine. I think you should have another talk with Bubbly, he should invite you to talk with the girl and you exchange contacts. I think talking with you, and maybe you calling her to catch up sometimes may make her less dependent on B and also give you peace of mind of knowing what's up. And really B should try to cut back on the ties with his ex, none of us are saints.

doll said...

i second Q money

LusciousRon said...

Qmoney is on POINT!
Do you want me to meet this girl somehow and become her friend so I can do the tough love?

Talk to Bubbly again! How would he feel if you were running to a particular ex to make every decision?

Trust issues my arse, I have them too, I don't even call YOU my ore to sort me out everyTIME I have Boyfie issues. So my dear, She wants him back and she will stop at nothing to get him!

She moved back home to be with him, that is trouble, if I think of all the naija wahala, I wouldn't have come back but if I know there is someone out there, I would be on the next flight to naija too.

Luscious LU said...

Ok...Girlfriend! You do have to handle this situation and pretty fast too!!! Bubbly is my cousin and you are my friend but then we are women and no matter who the man is,he cannot treat a fellow woman less than i want to be treated. Ma gba fun o! give him ultimatum jor and threaten him. He loves you to pieces so he should be able to do just this tiny,weeny, little something to keep you. You are allowed to be nice and understanding but then... she wants him back! He has break it up maybe not totally clean but to that reasonable level where you are comfortable and that is for you to decide. Report to his mother if you have too(LOL)*Wink

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Omotee! said...

thanks so so much everyone, really appreciate ur comments, at least am not paranoid.

Q Money: i particularly love the info will not come and meet u in ur sleep, lol. thanks jare

LG: wedding dress, u no even say wedding date, lol. dont worry, u go know na, even aso ebi.

anon: thanks o!

sweet n sense: hmmmmm, thats deep but me i aint doing no friendship, not comfortable. if the other person were reasonable, perhaps....

miss whytman: u try o, it can hapen tho but i aint sure i wanna do that, will give u update on it sha.

doll: hey! nice to have u here

ron: yes girl, agree totally!

lu! hmmm, if ur cuz hear say u no dey im side, lol, na issue for u o! thanks love. over to urs in a bit....

we talked and resolved and made a decision, not without some more drama tho...... next post.....

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